Paradox
by Shinikaru Betsujin Akuin
Summary: Squall is most commonly thought as Griever... I support that... This is like his journal... Time before and after he was transformed... Based on somewhat true scenes of my life... Can someone please suggest a better title... Cause I suck at titles..


Author notes: I felt extremely depressed when I had written this...As you can see... some scenes are true... Except for the one written in Italic. It's actually more symbolic

July 2

My friends got into a discussion I while ago... whether they'll ever see me smile or not...  
  
They must have been pretty bored...  
  
They asked me if I had ever smiled in my entire life...  
  
Of course Rinoa chuckled at this...  
  
I had just said whatever...  
  
I always wondered if they saw me smiling when they weren't looking... Even Rinoa never sees that...  
  
They always missed times when I smiled when I was just following them...  
  
Or when I was in the other side of the quad...  
  
It makes me wonder if they are my true friends...  
  
I never questioned that until now...  
  
But then again, contrary to popular belief...  
  
I live for the moment...  
  
I live for today...  
  
I look not to the future...  
  
For those who do, will never truly enjoy anything...  
  
For they spend their time waiting, worrying about a tomorrow that never comes...  
  
End of entry.

* * *

This will be my last entry... For tomorrow I will leave everything behind.  
  
I always said that I never regret anything... But in fact I regret a lot of what I done, what said, and what I had failed in.  
  
That was the caused by my loneliness... First Sis left me all alone. Took me along time to get over it. Then I discovered those who I thought I would be spending my life with...  
  
The friends I sorely needed...  
  
Those I sorely loved.  
  
Then she left...  
  
My friends they stayed the same as if nothing happened... I tried doing that too... But it made it worse... whenever I look at them I always see a pair. There's Selphie and Irvine, Seifer and Quistis, and then there's Zell and the Library Girl.  
  
I always felt left out...  
  
Every time we're all there...  
  
It reminded me of the times with her...  
  
Her warm touch  
  
Her melodious laughter...  
  
Her loving smile...  
  
Her playful eyes...  
  
And all those fights I had with her...  
  
The times I loved...  
  
The times I hated ...  
  
The times I still cherish  
  
After all these years...  
  
I come back to the point where I started...  
  
I was alone again...  
  
Though the irony was that she was always there...  
  
Her face mocks me whenever I close my eyes...  
  
Her voice says 'I love you.' over and over again when I open my eyes...  
  
In my dreams she's always there... close enough to feel her heartbeat...  
  
But always too far away to reach...  
  
At times I wake up from my ultimate nightmare....  
  
Her standing there...  
  
With white robes...  
  
Smeared with blood.  
  
And my hands... covered in her blood...  
  
And her mouthing the words...  
  
'Why?'  
  
I understood very little until I saw what stabbed her...  
  
The crimson Lionheart...  
  
It had turned blood red...  
  
Spreading disaster everywhere in it's wake...  
  
And then I wake up... Sweat dripping through my shirt...  
  
As if one had thrown down a pail of water upon me...  
  
I wonder if I can ever forget her...  
  
But then I know it's impossible...  
  
Whatever may happen...  
  
Her face will always remain with me....  
  
For it will remind me of the times I had failed...  
  
The times I failed those I cared for....  
  
The times I had failed myself...  
  
The times I had failed the one I love.  
  
I leave not because I cannot live here anymore...  
  
But because it pains me to be reminded of the one I had let go....  
  
So Goodbye...

* * *

_Written backwardly:  
  
Time had passed...  
  
I live in Centra now...  
  
With her...  
  
But now she had become the evil I had despised...  
  
Not only her...  
  
But me too..  
  
I corrupted her very being...  
  
I had destroyed her...  
  
Even worse I killed her...  
  
The same way in my dream...  
  
Only that after I had killed her the blood became part of my skin...  
  
And slowly it devoured me.  
  
I became purple...  
  
My hair turned crimson.  
  
Her soul had bid me a sweet goodbye...  
  
And then went through me...  
  
Her body suddenly came to life...  
  
As a lifeless... and controlled shell  
  
Slowly she came near me...  
  
I felt the same cold touch I had felt with Ultemicia...  
  
And then I remembered...  
  
'My god.... You're Ultemicia'  
  
I whispered.  
  
She had said...  
  
'Yes a smart one you are... But one thing you must remember, o lion...  
  
You are my Griever... For you grieve for that which you had killed...  
  
If you do well... I will let you forget her...'  
  
Soon I became like her....  
  
At times I had become myself again....  
  
But slowly Griever appears more frequently and in longer hours...  
  
I am able to only able to write this short entry before it completely takes over me...  
  
I have written this as to warn my younger self...  
  
If he may ever pass once again barren land.  
  
To which I shall be in... Watching from afar, the one who had saved me....  
  
The same one I had corrupted...  
  
I hope only that the memories he sees will make truly appreciate what time he has with her...  
  
As for know my last sentence shall be one of the wisest things I have ever heard in my entire life, spoken by the one I have always loved...  
  
'The mind knows only.  
  
What lies near the heart.'  
_  
Author notes: The entry in Italics was never really supposed to be there... I just felt like writing it... Hopefully this wouldn't be as confusing as the last one... Though I know it will be confusing... In a way... 


End file.
